I'm sorry sweetie...I know how you feel to go through something like this....Crying and being with my family really helped!....really hope everything turns out ok...Yeah my grandmother married her first cousin so yeah its not that uncommon in the old days....nothing I can do about it =)

Said by: Michael at March 1, 2007 01:24 AM

Hi, Fausto, sorry to hear about your dad! Que tengas un buen viaje a Puerto Rico. Te deseo mucha tranquilidad. Saludos a tu familia. --LARRY

Said by: Larry (latinobearboy) at March 1, 2007 06:23 AM

Safe travels Fausto. You're a good son.

Said by: Jason at March 1, 2007 06:24 AM

I have no advice for you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. Have a safe trip.

Said by: Christopher Hamilton at March 1, 2007 07:52 AM

I'm so glad Fausto is in PR now, because the family really needs all the support they can get. Fausto's father is trying to talk and no one can understand him; they seem to think it's something coherent he's trying to say. He is in pain and so they're giving him morphine. Some members are trying to put a feeding tube in him. What do you think the family should do? My opinion is that they should make him as comfortable as possible but not tube him. He has renal failure. I don't think the tubing will relieve his pain. Any comments you can make will be highly appreciated. Have any of you been in a similar situation? Love you, fellow listeners and Marc & Fausto!

Said by: Patricia Fernós at March 1, 2007 08:28 AM

I am stunned to hear about Fausto`s father. My family comes from Serbia and I grew up with the custom never to talk about death ... which makes it even harder when it finally hits someone in the family.

My grandfather passed away last autumn a loss that affected my mother the hardest and my father passed away when I was in third grade ...

If you ask me, I say let him go quietly, don`t try to prolong his life at all costs. I know from my own experience that later on you might be troubled by the idea, that he might have lived longer if you had done something better or different or if you had done something different than you did... but it is the best to let him go.

Stay in contact with your loved ones, it will help, even if you don`t talk about it. The idea that someone you love is near you will give you strenght... My best wishes to you, Fausto and your family.

Said by: Mr Noyes at March 1, 2007 10:30 AM

Patricia,

Allowing Fausto's father to die with dignity and with as little pain as possible is the morally right choice. The only sticking point is PR's legal standards when it comes to such a sensitive topic as a "no heroic measures" or "do not resuscitate" order. You and the rest of the family should know better than the rest of us what PR law says.

Needless to say, whatever his wishes are, they should be granted. He has lived a full life, and he deserves to go out in a peaceful manner, surrounded by his loving family.

I continue to hold the Fernos family in the light of love and wisdom, knowing that they are making the right choices now and that in the end, it will all be for the good of all.

And so it is.

Said by: David at March 1, 2007 11:30 AM

*big hugs to fausto*

i had gone through the same thing when i lost my grandparents a month apart in 2001. if you need to cry, cry. if you need to scream,scream. you need to mourn and don't let anyone take that away from you. be strong for your family and for yourself. remember that as long as your family has memories of your father, he will live on in your hearts.

be blessed
raequel

Said by: raequel at March 1, 2007 12:15 PM

Well wishes and safe travels, Fausto.

After a 4 year battle with breast cancer, I lost my mother in 2000, two months before I graduated from high school. The best advice I can give is make sure to process all that your feeling and thinking. Give yourself time to be upset, cry, scream, laugh, remember, shout, or whatever else you're feeling. Grief before and after the death of a parent is so important and we all process through it differently. For me, I just kept living in the direction that my mom always taught me (Heck, just that got me out of the closet, out of school with a master's degree and out of Ohio.).

I'd like to say grief gets easier with time, but the truth is you just learn to process it better. It's been 7 years (on March 10th) since her death and I still cry when my memory triggers. But I don't feel bad about what happened, rather blessed that she was my mom.

Said by: Matty at March 1, 2007 01:27 PM

Fausto, my thoughts are with you. Glad your family is there for support.

Said by: Catherine at March 1, 2007 01:45 PM

Fausto,

Sorry to hear about your Dad. I don't have any real words of wisdom because I haven't lost a parent yet but if you think about the fact that when you've been in Chicago and your Dad in Puerto Rico, it wasn't the physical being with each other that you shared, rather the influences you've had on each other that you share. Granted, having your Dad around alive and kicking to visit any time you have a couple of dollars for an airplane ticket is better than not, but the influence he has had on you (the life lessons, the memories, the family he created around you like Talia) are all still there.

So from one perspective, the really sad thing would be if he would die and there wouldn't be an issue. That would indicate there was nothing there in the first place. Luckily, that doesn't seem to be the case.

I hope things go well for all of you Fausto. You do have Marc and your fans no matter what happens.

Said by: Mike (DMCEx) at March 1, 2007 03:31 PM

Fausto,

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Everyone deals with death differently and I know that you will find your way. You don't realize how special you are to all of us listeners and how you really brighten our lives on a daily basis. God Bless you and safe travels.

Said by: Scotty at March 1, 2007 03:39 PM

Fausto, my dear.

You know that I'm thinking of you here in NYC.
Maybe somehow this will just a scare and your dad will be around til he's 120.

Love, MT

Said by: Marguerite Tarded at March 1, 2007 04:29 PM

Fausto and Patricia, my heart goes out to you and if I could reach across the world and give you both a big hug... well it would probably scare the shit out of you with these giant arms coming after you... but you know what I mean.

I lost my Grandma about six years ago and she was a very big part of my family. But when you mentioned the feeding tube it reminded me of her. She was just a few months shy of turning 90 but very frail. She slipped and fell one day and hit her head and was rushed to the hospital. She got worse and worse and it was obvious she wasn't going to get better, but she was holding on for some mysterious reason. I finally realized that my mother wouldn't let her go. She would not allow herself to pass on without my mother's approval but my mom would just not give up. We finally made my mom realize that she was just forcing her to stay here and be in pain so she went in one day and just said goodbye. And that was that.

I think a feeding tube would only prolong things and make him suffer. I would have given anything to my grandma out of pain, but it was between the two of them. Sometimes you're just ready to go. Tammy Faye Bakker once said that when it's your time you have an appointement with God, and nothing will change that. So don't look at it as an ending, it's just a beginning of a new phase. Whatever your belief is. So you say goodbye, you mourn because you will miss him, but don't be sad for his passing because he will just be going on to the next step. Whatever that step may be. And I'm sure he's so happy to have you there with him at this time.

Know that you are loved and that we are all out here thinking of you. Take care.

Love,
Puppy D

Said by: pup don at March 1, 2007 05:37 PM

Fausto......

I'm so sorry to hear that your father is close to passing. My heart goes out to you and Marc. Much love, and I will be thinking about you.
I didn't lose a parent, but my father lost his second wife to cancer. They both chose to let her die at home. It was the first time I ever watched a person I cared for so much slowly slip away. It was difficult, but I'm glad that I was there to experience the process. All I can tell you is, love your father, be with your family, remember everything you and your siblings all shared over the years. Cry together. Don't feel bad if a funny moment makes you laugh, it's ok. LAUGH!!! I still cry when something makes me think of her. It's a process that takes time to go through. But you are strong, and many people around this great earth are surrounding you with tons of love, prayers, hugs.

Said by: Michael Nejedly at March 1, 2007 07:11 PM

Fausto,

It is never easy to lose a parent. I lost my mother almost 4 years ago now. I was lucky, in a way. I was given the opportunity to say goodbye to her while she was able to say goodbye back. It is important to let him know it is OK with you for him to go, especially if he is in distress. The pain of his loss never goes away, it just gets easier to handle as time goes by. Remember to cwith you forever. Hopefully, your father's wishes, whatever they may be, will be abided by. Take care.

Said by: Bruce at March 1, 2007 09:40 PM

Fausto...

As you know, I lost my dad only 8 short months ago. It was the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my lifetime so far. There are days that I forget he's gone, and there are other days where I think about him all day long. They say it never gets easy-- you just go on with life and it becomes a part of your world.

The thing I'm happy about in your situation is that you have the chance to talk to him, to say good bye. I didn't get that chance with my dad, and it's the one thing I regret about losing him most of all. So now is your chance to tell him how much you love him, that you forgive him for anything he may have done, and that you're sorry for anything you may have done. It's your chance to let it all out and let it be said. And then let it go.

I don't know much about your relationship with your dad, but I can tell that you loved him very much, as did your family. You will all need each other more than ever now... and if there's one thing that I've grown to like about losing my dad, it's that my family is closer than ever. Time is precious, and we know it more than ever now.

All my love is with you and your family, Fausto. If you ever need to talk, you know where I am (hint hint.. I am in the neighborhood too. :) )

Love ya.
Rick

Said by: RcktMan at March 2, 2007 02:07 AM

Good vibes to you and your family as you go through this difficult period, you're in my thoughts.
un abrazo muy fuerte.
lis

Said by: lis at March 2, 2007 04:33 AM

Fausto - Sorry to hear about your dad. We're sending you love and white light from Washington DC to you in PR. Take care of yourself and your family. We'll be here for you when you need us.

Drew

Said by: PoloDrew at March 2, 2007 07:31 AM

Good Luck on the trip. I can't really add to anything above but I'll light some candles for you at Mass.

EricM
60707

Said by: Eric M at March 2, 2007 08:03 AM

Thanks so very much to all of you for your wonderful, beautiful words of support and advice. Sharing your experience with death is very helpful to us. It is so helpful that I have copied all of them and sent them to the rest of the family, in case that will help to bring peace to their hearts. Luckily, the doctors informed the family that Gonzalo, Fausto's father is in a terminal stage and that tubing is inappropriate. We're all going to PR as soon as we can to say our goodbyes and to support the members of the family that spent so much time and energy taking care of him in his last years. A big hug to you all - as Pup Don says, but don't let is scare you when you see it coming! MUA, MUA, MUA! Patricia

Said by: Patricia Fernós at March 2, 2007 10:24 AM

Fausto, I think you know how to deal with the passing of your father. It sounds so cliche but just be present and dont externalize. That in itself is kind of a tricky thing cause watching a parent die puts you in a kind of out of body state but nonetheless just be present and open to your process and allow yourself to go where you need to go. I myself feel like I'm emerging from a little month long stasis where I shut off my feelings. My father died totally unexpectedly about a month ago. I blog'ed about it instead of talking to my friends because the anonymity of the experience appealed to me more than "burdening" my friends with my experience, although there were 1 or 2 I did talk to. Losing a parent, losing a father changes your psyche, and thats not good or bad, it just is,l be open to it. Lots of love and support to you. And I hope you wont feel weird about sharing your experience or not sharing your experience on the podcast. Love, Bully

Said by: Bully at March 2, 2007 12:15 PM

Hey,
Am thinking good thoughts and sending positive vibes your way. I do not know what it is like to lose a parent. But have lost grandparents in recent times. All I can say is be there with your family and expect a roller coaster of emotion.
-P. x

Said by: Padraig at March 3, 2007 03:57 AM

Fausto and Marc,

On the subject of how to cope with the loss of a loved one, I can't identify, since both of my parents are still alive. However, I have known loss in other ways, so I can approach this from that angle.

I address both of you, because you both will be experiencing this loss. The best way to get through any kind of major change is first and foremost, be good to yourself.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions are coming to you at the moment. Honor your feelings and do not bury them. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to get pissed off, then get pissed off. If you want to laugh, then laugh. If you want to scream, then scream. Your process is yours, not anybody else's, and what is appropriate for you may or may not be appropriate for the other. Needless to say, if the feelings come at a socially inappropriate time--say, at work--then make an appointment with yourself to let it out when you are in a more appropriate surrounding, and keep that appointment.

Also, it is often suggested that major life-changing decisions not be made within the first year after the death of a loved one. This may not always be practical, but don't rush anything. Give yourself time to make sure that you are making a decision that doesn't bite you on the ass later.

Marc, it is especially important that you give emotional support to Fausto at this time, and I know you know this. You will not be able to fix what has happened, but you will be able to be strong for Fausto at the times that he may not feel strong (and it is ok for Fausto not to feel strong, by the way). Your love for Fausto is evident every time you two interact, and that love will see both of you through this.

Additionally, it is important to maintain the connections you have with others, whether they be family, friends, or your listeners. Talk about the elephant in the room. As was said to me once, when you talk about a challenge with another person, a piece of it gets processed each time. You will know when you are over it, because you will grow tired of even thinking of it. There is no time table on this, but if you find yourself focusing on it and making it the center of your life, you may need to consider counseling.

And on the subject of counseling, if you feel the need, and can afford it, do it. Counselors can bring a perspective to an issue that may not be easy to see when you are in the middle of it. There is now shame in admitting you need help.

Finally, know that we are all with you at this time, and we all send our light and love to you. You have made a difference in our lives, and it is time for all of us to give back. You are worthy to receive it, so open wide! :-)

Best wishes always,

David Byrd

Said by: David at March 3, 2007 10:29 AM

I'm glad you are able to be there for him.

My only thoughts on death:
1. wanting to keep someone around when it's their time to die is purely selfish. we fear the pain so we neglect theirs.
2. Never leave a dying person alone. If you aren't sure what to do then just hold their hand.
3. it's okay to feel how you feel on the day that you feel it.
4. Don't ever ask a mourning family member how they are doing. It should be obvious.
5. It would be really sad if we were able to forget about someone overnight. Grieving is tribute to one's life.

Said by: Pierre at March 4, 2007 10:38 PM

Thanks to everyone for their kind words, thoughtful comments and thoughts on death, dying and the grieving process. We're still in the middle of things, but it gives me great strength to know that there are a lot of people out there sending lots of love to me and my family.

I'll be reading all your comments on a future program this week, although Marc and I are taking a bit of time off during these hard times. Thank you for your patience, love and thougtfullness.

Said by: Fausto Fernós at March 5, 2007 12:26 AM

Fausto,

My heart goes out to you, Marc, and your family in this difficult time.

I lost my mother to leukemia 13 years ago (she was gone 6 months after the initial diagnosis). Everyone has their own family experience - and I don't intend to trivialize or take that away from you - but I have some idea of what you may be going through.

Losing a parent is never easy, especially (as was my case) when that relationship was highly dysfunctional. Your first priority should be with your father, and making sure he is comfortable and at peace. Let him know it's ok, and that you're there for him. But that's not always easy to do when the whirlwind of emotions and memories (good and bad) come screaming through as they do.

There may be a temptation to bring issues to "closure". Somehow over the years I thought that my mother and I would have a dramatic "Hollywood deathbed scene" that would resolve all. But in the end, that didn't happen for us - nor did it need to. What mattered was that I was there for my Mom, and that going forward I would have no regrets because I was there with her in her time of greatest need - and that I was there to help my family in all that happened afterwards.

We don't know what anyone's time is on this earth - in my mother's case we had many, many "close calls" where it seemed the end was certain. But we talked as a family, and came to an agreement on what boundaries were appropriate and tried to talk through various scenarios that could happen. When the condition is certain, I don't believe it is right to prolong death artificially, but it is also important that your father be at peace and in comfort. There are areas that are not cut-and-dry and these can only be resolved with your family, trying to consider what you know your father's wishes would have been.

Doctors tell us that hearing is the last sense that we loose (if we were given it in the first place). In my mother's case, she was in a coma, and couldn't speak, but she did respond ever so slightly to our talking. Talk to your father - and think of him there in the room just as if he could talk back to you. And maybe he will in his own way. And as long as someone who knew him is around to share the stories, then he will live on.

When the end does come, prepare yourself to grieve. When you're there with your father, the natural instinct is to force yourself to be strong for them in the journey. And in the aftermath there are so many things that need to be done you really go into "autopilot". And, in this time, people tend to give the most attention to you. It is only after all is done and you have time to yourself that you really can let the grieving begin. And that's a very healthy thing in my opinion.

Through it all, what matters most is that you be there for your father and for your family, regardless of what may have happened in the past. Your last-minute trip to PR is a testament to who you are, and the respect you show for your family. You can only grow stronger from this.

Going forward, you never loose the pain, but I can tell you it will get better. Someone described it to me as walking with a stone in your shoe. You continue to walk and the stone and pain don't go away, but over time you get used to them and they become a part of you.

- Paul

(PS: sorry this came out as one long paragraph - I couldn't figure out how to get the paragraph markers to post - but did followup with an email)

Said by: Paul Christensen at March 6, 2007 12:10 AM

Been a few days without an update. Been thinking about you and yours. I've been through sudden unexplained death (my father), terminal illness (grandmother), accidental death (late boyfriend) and a couple suicides (friends). All of them seem to leave a different imprint on the soul.

I was thankful to have some time to know my grandmother was going to go, say goodbye, burn memories in my mind knowing that time was closing in on her. But it was heart wretching to watch her come in and out of chemo especially the last time, it was obvious she wasn't meant to last long after that. When she passed it felt like a blessing, an answer to her suffering. I'm glad she left quietly in her sleep, hopefully as comfortable as she could be.

I'm no christian but I'm sending healing energies to you and yours. I hope any in-fighting will quiet to allow dignity in your father's transition. Perhaps in light of such, some of it will sink away for good.

love and light.

Said by: Iris at March 13, 2007 12:40 PM