Our New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year Everyone! From all of us here at the Feast of Fools we want to wish you lots of love and friendship in 2006, and hope you can keep your resoultions as we hope to keep these:

FEAST OF FOOLS NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2006:

• Stop writing letters to hot men in prison.

• Get chiseled abs and get on the cover of a gay magazine for doing nothing more than chiseled abs.

• Stop watching re-runs of "Sister Sister" on the WB. Damnit! When oh when will the world learn that Tia and Tamera Mowry are the thinking man's Olsen Twins?

• Start a blog to raise awareness of bloggers depression.

• Remember that forgiveness is easier to ask for than permission.

• I'm going to finally wash my stinky dildoes.

• Stop drinking those stupid "Red Headed Slut" shots.

• Start selling baby blue plastic bracelets to raise awareness of Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome. Oh, by the way, you look a little under the weather... want to buy a bracelet?

• Spend more time at the gym working out my eyes.

• Figure out a way to get Jake Gyllenhaall into a 3-way with us.

• Stop yelling to the AOL Telephone Customer Service: "Can I please speak to someone who is NOT in Pakistan?" Since when did the A in AOL stand for Ass-gass-nistan? This is America Online, learn to speak english godddamit! Or Navajo.

• Kiss more ass, and pretend to read other people's blogs.

• Kiss less ass, and tell people their blogs focus too much on the lint inside their bellybutton.

• Make a movie about two straight actors that pretend to be gay in order to win an oscar.

• Keep an eye out for shivs, shanks and other homemade knives.

• Protect myself from alien waves by wrapping my head in leftover foil.

• Learn how to make shivs out of Jello.

• Stop pretending there is nothing wrong with Tori Amos' face or her fans.

• Remind people to stop re-gifting the "Gift."

• Get plastic surgery to look like Jocelyn Widlenstein, or buy a new iPod.

• Connect my roomba to my iPod so I can listen to a podcast that doesn't suck.

• Stop making New Years Resolutions next year.

Posted by Fausto | 06:23 PM | Thought of the Day | Email to a friend